FLIGHTY ANSWER

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Ryan Air from Manchester to Dublin. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Ryan Air always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

 

BABY PROBLEM

Two elderly Pensioners were sitting on a bench talking when one turn's to the other asking, " I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age.
How do you feel?'
His friend replies, " I feel just like a new born baby."
Rather amazed he repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born baby???"
"Yes", grins his friend, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants.

 

COACHING SECRET                                                     

The football coach noticed that his star player, Reggie had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Reggie, "Just what on earth is your secret?"
Reggie replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to make love, I always bang my ‘you know what’ on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can make love for hours!!” The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Reggie?"

 

HOSPITAL HORROR

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"? embarrassed, the young student replies "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet", he struggles again to ask "nurse are my testicles black?" finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,  and does a full examination and confirms "there is nothing wrong with them." Finally the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?”

 

TWO WISHES

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress arrives with the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!”

 

WOMEN WHO READ

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day madam", and he left.
 

A GOOD NIGHT IN

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"  You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie?.......LISTEN UP, FATHEAD! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, YOU THICK IDIOT?"
 

PAINFUL INJURY

I am terrible at tennis but my serve is really hard. The result of which is that balls go over the high fence sometimes, so after a game I change into my normal clothes and leave the club. I walk around the premises to the other side where there are a few trees and bushes against the high fence. Beyond the bushes is a dry ditch and a road. I had already found three tennis balls and stuffed them in my pockets. I was walking hunched over, following the edge of the road along the dry ditch looking for more balls in the undergrowth. A man came along the road and asked me if I was okay? I straightened up and said "yeah I'm okay, its just tennis balls you know" "MAN you are TOUGH!" he exclaimed; "I only had a tennis ELBOW and remember how much THAT hurt!"

 

MEET MY FATHER

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never made love before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

IT’S A MIRACLE

A couple had twin sons from about one year old. The first one could talk. The second one couldn't. They tried everything to make the little boy talk, but didn't succeed. In an act of desperation the father decided to take the child to Lourdes.
Once they got there, he immersed the child in the holy water. The boy crawled sneezing out of the water and yelled: “YOU IDIOT!”
The father pushed the boy again in the water and again, the boy again yelled: “YOU IDIOT!” when he crawled out.
Excited the father called his wife to tell her the good news, that the child had yelled that he was an idiot, "that's because that's what you are," said the mother. "You took the wrong child !!!!"

 

THE DOC’S OPINION
I recently visited a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 90?"  He asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf or sailing?” No I don't", I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No", I said. "I have never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 90?"

 

THE BUTTONS

Angus Broon, of Glasgow, comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin' on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants".
"Oh Angus . . . I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin' ya with it." About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a lot of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door, with a blackend eye and a bloody nose, comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did ya ask her like I told ya?" "Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the button, an' she did. Everything was goin' fine, but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in... "

 

GET DIGGING

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours feared her they believed she practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68. The old man had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked,” Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The Man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..."

 

CONFUSED COWBOY

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

GREAT GOLFER

Four men who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"
They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30am or 6:45am." She showed up dead on 6:30am, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The men went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The men happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30am or 6:45am." Again, she showed up at 6:30am Sunday morning.
Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the men were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for good.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his manhood is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed." One of the men asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She answered “That’s when I arrive at 6.45am.”

 

MONEY EARNER

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!"

 

HELPING THE HOMELESS

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on fees at the golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy pounds?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."