TEACHING ENGLISH
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."
A SERIOUS SCAM
Hi everyone
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into the supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naïve like I was and think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:- Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket. You agree and they both get in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you while the other one steals your wallet! So far I have had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Then on February 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.
Kind regards John
PRISON PRANK
A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly old timer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble. So the old timer teaches the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals. A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit confused. In the large canteen, once everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, "47." Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically. A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says, "19." Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone. This goes on throughout the meal.
Later, when the youngster and the old timer get back to their cell, the young man asks, "What was going in the canteen tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed." "Ah, yes, the canteen. Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a little bit, the one that disallows talking at meals. You see, all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it's like someone told the whole funny story." The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep After a few weeks of this mealtime behaviour, the young man gets
up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story. So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says, "26." No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, "26." Still nothing. He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed. Later, he pleads with the old timer to explain what happened. "That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed." The old man turned to him and explained, "It's the way you told it."
HELL IS COOL
An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boiler man and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling. "You like this?" Satan asked. "Yes, sir," said the sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me." Not wanting the new man to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn't even broken a sweat. "I like this kind of weather," he told Satan. For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever. By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor's room! When he checked on the man, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated! "Why are YOU so happy?" he demanded from the sailor. "It's FREEZING in here!" "Well, I'm from Coventry," said the sailor, "and evidently we have just finished top of the league!"
MUSICAL OCTOPUS
A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play
any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A man walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays up his £50. Another man walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the
trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to have my wicked way with it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
A PRIEST AND NUN IN WINTER
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun purred, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled back, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"
THE PHONE CALL
A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'Do you know which ward she is in?' 'Yes, ward P, room 2B' 'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.' 'Hello, ward P, how can I help?' 'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?' 'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.' 'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!' 'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?' 'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you anything at all in here.’
THE JOB APPLICATION
This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bugger)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will co-operate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place – would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Boris Johnson style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
ONLY AN AUSSIE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. She yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...Then, he spoke...'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
OUTSMARTED!
It’s 2007 and Ireland declares war on France. Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hello, Mr. Chirac!” said a heavily accented voice. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no blinkin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".
MY NEW NOVEL – (Written by a man)
Thought I’d let you read part of my latest novel to rival fifty shades . .. .
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards. .....Forwards then backwards. .... Back and forth... Back and forth... In and out, in and out....Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!! "OK !... OK!...I CAN’T park the blasted car! You do it!!!
COMMUNITY SHOCK
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."
WASHING INSTRUCTIONS
A man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute. He shouted to his missus, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Manchester United.”
NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION
A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality...” "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
SOME QUICKIES……….
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thicko!"
19 blokes go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"No way" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet..
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband: "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says: "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......
I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.
I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house.
I think he's lost his rag.
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil.
I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil.
The plot thickens!!!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! Forget that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web!
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up, and the driver sobbing uncontrollably and looking very miserable. I thought to myself: 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
and finally.........Conjunctivitis.com. Now there's a site for sore eyes!
THE BIKER
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway completely naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best ever!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.......Grandpa.......... Go home!
CAR KEYS
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pocket. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The car park was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I
stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen.” There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off!!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
UNFORGETTABLE PASSWORD
My memory really sucks so I changed my computer password to ‘incorrect.’ That way, when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… ‘Your password is incorrect.’
THE GENEROUS DRINKER
A man goes into the pub with his head on one side and orders a pint of bitter. He looks round the bar and says to the landlord; “get everyone in the bar a drink.” He then looks into the lounge and says; “get everyone in the lounge a drink too.”
The barman says “that will be £162.75.”
To which the man replies; “I didn’t say I was paying did I?!”
The landlord responds; “If you had have done that in the Red Lion, they would have broken your flippin’ neck.”
The man replied; “Where do you think I’ve just come from?!”
From experience...
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?