A WELL LOVED TEACHER
A teacher was retiring after thirty years of teaching, so each child decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought her a box full of fine chocolates. A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet of flowers. Another little boy who was son of a fine wine merchant brought her a big box that was sealed and it had something leaking from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, ‘I bet I know what this is!' She tasted some of the juices tat were leaking from the box and said, ‘I bet this is some wine!' The little boy said ‘No!' She tasted it again and said ‘Whisky?' The little boy said ‘No!' She tasted it again and said ‘Beer?' The little boy said ‘No.' The teacher said ‘O.K, I give in, what is it?' The little boy said ‘A puppy!'
ONLY A ROOM MATE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and as the evening progressed she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Julie came to John saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' John said, ‘well I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.' ‘Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John.' Several days later, John received a letter from his mother, which read: ‘Dear Son, I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love Mum.'
CAUTIOUS CAPTAIN
The Captain called the Sergeant in, 'Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him to me.' So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all of the troops. ‘Listen up men', says the Sergeant. ‘Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you report to the motor pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.' Later that day, the Captain called the Sergeant in to his office. ‘Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother had died. Couldn't you be more tactful next time?' ‘Yes Sir', answered the Sergeant. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with 'Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful!' So the Sergeant calls for this morning's formation. ‘Okay men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!'
FAIRY POWER
Two 60-year-olds were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. During their party, a fairy appears and grants them both one wish. The wife wanted to travel the world. The fairy waved her wand and zap the wife has tickets for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said: ‘I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.' So the fairy picked up her wand and zap - the husband was 90.
SON OF A PREACHER MAN!
There was a preacher who decided he had to sell his horse to raise some funds for his church. A prospective buyer was interested in the animal, but the preacher said, ‘I must warn you he only responds to ‘church talk.' Go is ‘Praise the Lord.' And stop is ‘Hallelujah.' ‘I've worked with horses all my life', said the buyer, ‘and I've never heard of anything like this.' Mounting the horse he said sceptically, ‘Praise the Lord.' And sure enough the horse began to trot. He repeated, ‘Praise the Lord.' And the horse broke into a gallop. Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead. Frantic, he yelled ‘Hallelujah', and they came to a screeching stop only inches from the edge of the cliff face. Wiping his brow, the buyer said, ‘Praise the Lord.'
YOU ARE EXPELLED!
An attractive, young female teacher was giving an assignment to sixth grade class one day and she reached up high on the blackboard. She heard one boy giggling and quickly turned around. ‘What's funny, Billy?' ‘I just saw one of your garters!' the boy said. ‘Billy, out of my classroom. I don't want to see you here again for three days, She turned back to the blackboard and reached back up again. Suddenly she heard an even louder giggle from the front row. Turning around she said: ‘What is it now? Frankie? Why are laughing?' 'I just saw BOTH your garters!' he giggled. ‘That's it!' she yelled, ‘I don't want to see you for three WEEKS! Go to the headmaster's office now!' Frustrated, she dropped her blackboard rubber when she turned around and bent over to pick it up. hearing laughter, she whipped around just in time to see Bobby standing up to leave the classroom. ‘Where do you think you're going, mister?' she demanded. ‘Well, from what I just saw, I think my school days over!'
THE SUCKER
A door to door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to fast-talk his way into a woman's home in the Scottish Highlands. ‘This machine really is the best ever’; he gushes and tips a bag of dirt, dust and rubbish all over the lounge floor. ‘What on earth are you doing?' shrieks the woman. ‘Don't worry madam', replies the salesman, ‘if it doesn't remove all this mess from your carpet, I'll lick it up myself.' The woman looks at him then shrugs and says: ‘Will you need some ketchup? The electricity won't be back on until Thursday, you see.'
WHAT I DIDN’T DO TODAY
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas, playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pyjamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked: ‘What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered: ‘You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?' ‘Yes’ was his reply. She answered: ‘Well, today I didn't do it!'
THE MARATHON MAN
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, ‘Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out of the window, my husband is home early!' Ralph looked out of the window and said, ‘I can't jump out the window; it's raining cats and dogs out there!' Mary cried: 'if my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!' So Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out of the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running alongside the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him 'Do you always run in the nude?' Ralph answered, while gasping for air, 'Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.' Then another runner asked, 'Do you always run carrying your clothes over your arm?' Ralph answered breathless 'Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get into my car and drive home.' Then another runner asked, 'And do always wear a condom when you run?' Ralph answered, 'Only if it's raining.'
A CONNECTION WITH GOD
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a check-up. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man: ‘Well, everything seems to be in top condition, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?' And the man says: ‘Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said: ‘I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the toilet, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?' And she says: ‘That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!!!'
WHO WANT’S TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?
Sir Alex Ferguson has managed to get to the final question o Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Chris Tarrant asks million pound question. ‘What lives in a den?' a) A fox, b) A cat, c) A cuckoo, or d) A beaver. Sir Alex isn't sure but has all of his three lines left. ‘I'll ask the audience', says Sir Alex. The audience's highest answer is a beaver, but Sir Alex isn't sure. ‘I'll do 50/50 Chris' says Alex. The computer leaves a) A fox and c) A Cuckoo. Sir Alex is still positive. ‘I'm going to phone a friend, I'll phone Becks.' Chris: Tarrant raises David Beckham on the phone and explains this is million pound question. Becks speaks to Sir Alex. ‘It's easy, I'm 10 sure it's a fox.' Sir Alex says ‘Are you sure Becks, because I'll sack you tomorrow if you get this wrong.' Becks says, ‘It's a fox, I'll swear it.' So Sir Alex says to Chris Tarrant ‘a) A fox', and he wins a million pounds. The next day at training Sir Alex pulls Becks over to one corner; and says, ‘David, how were you so sure about the answer?' Beck’s replies, ‘Oh, come on, everyone knows that cuckoos live in clocks.
A BROKEN HEART
Gertrude was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. 'On a woman', the doctor said, 'your heart would be just below your left breast.' Later that night Gertrude was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
CAR TROUBLE
My wife came home yesterday and said, 'Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.' I asked her what it was and she told me there was water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, and then said, 'You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.' 'No, there's definitely water in the carburetor', she insisted. 'OK honey, that's fine, I'll just go and take a look. Where is it?' 'It's in the lake.'
SISTER’S OF MERCY
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of road, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES. He realizes that these signs are for real. And then he drives past a sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the car park is a sombre stone building with a small sign in next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the road, and was interested in possibly doing business.' 'Very well my son. Please follow me', she says and then leads him through many winding passages. He is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, soon 'Please knock on this door. 'He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, ‘Please place £50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.' He gets £50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the car park, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE - YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY
HOW’S YOUR FOOT?
A man was in his local pub and very drunk. He staggers up to the bar and tells the landlord he wants a woman. So the landlord gives the man directions to a place where he could find a woman, but the drunk was so messed up that he couldn't remember where he had been told to go and accidentally walks into a chiropodist's office. 'Can I help you?' asks the receptionist. ‘Yes', replies the drunk. 'I want some service'. 'Ok, sir', says the receptionist. ‘Go into the room and put it on the table and someone will be with you shortly', So the drunk goes into the other room and slops his manhood on the table. When the chiropodist comes in she screams, 'That's not a foot!'. 'Give me a chance, lady', says the drunk. 'Give me a chance'.
PURE GENIE-US
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For year after year they live there, then one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says: ‘since I can only give out three wishes, you may each have one.' So the brunette goes first: 'I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life, I just want to go home.' And poof, she is gone! The redhead makes her wish: 'This place sucks; I want to go home too.' And poof, she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her: 'My dear, what is the matter.' 'I'm lonely; I wish my friends were back here.'
THE CLEANING LADY
In a local Coventry Secondary school a number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would apply it in the girl’s toilets, which was fine but after they had put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little prints. Finally the head teacher decided that something had to be done, so she called all the girls into the toilets and met them there with the cleaning lady. She explained that all the lip prints were causing a major problem for the lady who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors the cleaning lady took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no more prints on the mirrors.